Is it a total cop-out if I tell you just to avoid relationships altogether?
Yes, but it’s really not a bad idea to take some time out to work on your relationship with yourself first — because your relationship with someone else is only ever going to be as good as your relationship with yourself. Partners are a mirror of that for you, and if you are mature and aware of that, you can experience enormous growth and enjoyment through relationship.
If you are not self-aware and mature, however, partnerships will be more like flings, superficial and filled with drama as you flit from one person to the next in order to avoid seeing your self.
Both types of relationships can be vulnerable to cheating. Part of maturity and self-awareness is being honest with yourself about your true, human nature. And one thing we all seem to know, yet don’t have a healthy cultural framework for, is the reality that men and women are, in general, sluts.
This is a biological fact.
Men are wired to spread the seed to as many healthy females as possible.
And women are wired to search and compete for the best provider possible, including trading up when available.
This is nature. This is biology. Why fight it?
Because we don’t have a cultural framework for it. We don’t know how to deal with it, how to face it.
Of course, there are subcultures that have different ways of tackling it. New agers have their polyamory, swingers have their weekend conventions at themed hotels, the landed gentry and royalty have their
mistresses, oops, companions.
But by and large, the normal way that normal people deal with it, is cheating.
How did we make such a leap? Sex is such a natural thing, and though it could be argued that lying is also an instinctual response — secret affairs are no white lie. It’s a double life — and, what’s most damaging to the relationship — it’s a disconnection into your own, separate reality.
This is likely the real reason some partners split after cheating is discovered; it’s not that one of the partner’s sleeping with someone else is an inconceivable affront (remember, if we’re honest with ourselves, we can admit that we all at least have this inclination, whether or not we act on it). It’s that said partner fucked off (literally) into their own reality. Not everyone could come along for the ride. (Okay, I’ll stop now xD).
And if you are someone who lives your own reality while being in relationship, then yes, it probably is better to avoid relationships — because relationships are a shared reality.
And if you want a solid, shared reality with someone, and hopefully avoid or minimize the chance of being cheated on, then, again, you have to get solid in your relationship with yourself first. You have to really know yourself and what you want, and not settle for anything less just because you’re lonely and horny and delusional.
Because the energy that’s present in the relationship when you first meet someone is going to be present through the whole thing. This is why dating apps lend themselves especially well to promiscuous people cheating, and why you should avoid them if you don’t want to get thrown out like an old pair of shoes after he/she went online shopping for a new pair.
Don’t put yourself on the market. You are not an object for consumption, and you don’t want someone who’s just looking to satiate themselves. Get to know who you really are and who you really want, and what kind of shared reality you want to have.
The deeper you know yourself, the less superficial of a partner and relationship you are likely to have. The more you cultivate your inner world, the more you will red-flag people who only see as far as the surface and how they can gain from it, and avoid them.
Of course, this can make it even more difficult to find someone, since most people will not make the cut. Again, you have to be okay with being alone, which is far better than being in a toxic relationship with someone that can damage you and make you weak. It’s just like giving up junk food, alcohol or drugs; it seems impossible in the moment, but the longer you go without it, the crazier the people who are still on it look to you.
If you want to manifest a healthy relationship in which you’re not cheated on, then not only do you have to know what you want — say, a committed, stable, monogamous yet passionate, purpose-oriented partnership that explores the deepest recesses of the soul and reaches the furthest expanses of cosmic ecstasy and bliss — but you also have to know yourself and be honest with yourself, including about the fact that, even though you are well behaved and not seeking to use others as fulfillment for your sexual pleasure, you and your partner will still occasionally have sexual attraction to other people.
It may pass in a moment, and yes, you can mitigate this with boundaries and not getting over-involved with others — but you’re not going to live in a cave in the desert with your partner for the rest of your life. At some point, someone is going to walk by and you’re going to catch a heady scent of pheromones. So what then?
The key is to cultivate a climate of trust. Again, cheating is not so much about the sex as the lie, the disconnection from the shared reality. So keep the reality shared by letting your partner in on your feelings, and letting them know it’s okay that they do the same with you. This really shouldn’t be that hard — you share your body, and possibly a toothbrush. Revealing your inner emotional landscape, as scary as it might be, is what creates the bond that will keep your relationship together — even if you feel exposed or share things that feel icky. These are part of what makes you human, and, shock, your partner is too! Sharing, instead of keeping secrets, and accepting your partner as you accept yourself, is how you can retain a positive connection, despite you or your partner experiencing attraction to someone else. That doesn’t have to be the end of the world, either. It might just be passing like a ship in the night, especially if your relationship is great and both of you want to stay in it. So this is how sharing something like being attracted to someone else can actually bring you closer to your partner.
But either way, the truth will set you free. On the odd chance that you or your partner would prefer to explore a new relationship with someone else… you should be secure enough in yourself to be able to stand on your own two feet and walk away, and you should be free to do so. Relationships should never be about keeping your partner, or yourself, trapped in a prison. But cheating is not the answer; lies trap everyone involved.
The hookup and cheating culture reflects a profound lack of empathy and connection between human beings. Ironic, considering that sex can be a divine tool for connection. But just like any tool, it can be subject to user error. And it’s not just about blaming the cheater/liar, either. Whether you are the one being cheated on, or the one doing the cheating, it is never really about the other person.
You’ve got to get your self right first.