Red Wing Blackbirds: Terrorists at Large

Have you seen these little shits around town recently?

See that red on its wing? That’s your warning sign: they’re out for blood.

If you have, then most likely, you have not only seen them, you’ve also felt them. And not because you touched them, but because they attacked you.

At least, that’s what happened to me, three times, and I’ve seen them do it to others too. Now it’s the middle of June and our city parks are deserted because these little terrorists are out of control.

Unsurprisingly, the city is completely inept, and all they have done is put up little signs (after the fact) that these birds may display aggressive behavior. Oh, thanks for that. The scamdemic taught us nothing if not that signs are easily ignored.

But you certainly find out if you walk or ride your bike down the wrong path, which is pretty much everywhere. They’ve taken over the city. First you hear them scream at you, which is a perfect example of social conditioning, because you will forever associate it with what happens next: crazy bird legs and claws coming down on your head and shoving you. Hard.

The first time it happened to me, I thought it was a fluke. It was understandably distressing, but I didn’t yet realize the magnitude of the problem, so I rode my bike along the same path on the return, and found out. (There was no helpful sign from the city yet).

Then I went online to read about wtf was going on, and it turns out that this is their nesting behavior. I don’t know why I’ve never encountered it before — no bird has ever attacked me like this in my life. But apparently, this is standard procedure. (My dad said it’s because they know what kind of people live in cities, LOL).

And thinking about it, it occurred to me that this is the perfect example of law of attraction in action, because now people hate these birds. I know someone who shot one, which is technically illegal, and I’m sorry, but also, I can kind of understand. I would never, ever bother these birds or their nests, but after being terrorized like this, and with the constant threat looming over my head whenever I walk or ride my bike, well, something needs to be done. And it’s their own irrational fear, which leads to their aggressive terrorist behavior, that’s bringing it on.

Though I don’t suggest or advocate killing them. I’ve noticed there are a few private properties which have trees that do not seem to host these birds, and it is possibly because there is something else in the trees instead: lights. String lights or big orb lights.

Whatever it takes.

Until then, watch out!

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